9 months… it seems like ages ago. No, I don’t have a baby if that´s what you’re thinking. 9 months ago I went through a very nasty and hurtful breakup/separation…? I have no idea how to call it, I guess that if you want to fully understand what happened I´ll have to take you back in time to a year and a half ago…
Summer of 2013, my first summer in college. I met this guy who was friends with my friends, we instantly became very good friends and after a while we were calling each other “best friend”. At the time he was in a very dark place after breaking up with his long time girlfriend, I was there for him and I believe that´s what brought us closer; he let his walls down and let me into his life and I did the same.
After a while of getting to know each other and being really close I think I started to like him but it was a simple crush, the kind of crush you have on your really fit male friend because he´s so awesome and takes care of you, but you know nothing would ever happen or work romantically between you two. One thing lead to another and one night we were making out in my car… Sometimes I wish he’d never gotten into my car that night. Our friendship was no longer just a friendship but would never be a romantic relationship and I thought I understood that… Looking back I was very naive and innocent.
At some point along the way he shot me out: he wouldn’t talk to me, reply to my texts or want to hangout. I started to get so mad and confused about the whole thing, especially because when we did see each other he was saying and doing things that showed interest in me. I clearly misread the signs and thought that he might liked me, add that everyone around me was asking if we were an item, and I became an emotional mess. I discharged all of my anger the only way I knew how: Twitter. You can imagine how that ended… very bad.
When he found out how I was feeling and the way I dealt with it he was so mad, he said horrible things and hurted me like no one ever had. He broke my heart. Because a heart is not only broken when a romantic relationship doesn’t work, a broken heart can be caused by a ton of things like a dream that you couldn’t achieve, a loved one dying, separating of a friend, etc. My broken heart was a mix of messing up, someone not loving me back and past issues.
That was 9 months ago…
At the beginning I was so sad, I would cry all the time, feel depressed and pushed everyone away from me. It was a really low point in my life, I couldn’t do anything because every single thing reminded me of him. After a couple of months I started to get better and I decided that I would learn from this hard time and start again, so I did. During those 9 months a lot of things happened: I lost and gained again my self confidence, I lost and I made new friends, I learned what love really was, I quitted a job that I hated, I started to be more independent, death and tragedy were very present, dramatic situations at school, I learned to really forgive, but most of all I learned to love myself and to be my first priority. Those 9 months were one of the hardest periods of time in my life so far but I came out triumphant and reborn.
Now, you might be wondering what happened to the guy. Well, he´s dating some 18 year old (he´s 25), he´s at a job he doesn’t like and the best part… he reached out to me and said he was sorry, that he missed me and that no one understands him like I do. Actually, I blogged about it a while ago. I decided to give him a chance because I know what this means for him but this time I’m not putting up with his nonsense and games, I’m putting myself first and knowing my worth. I have a life now in which he has no part, if he wants to be my friend again he has to earn it. He hurted me but he also made me stronger.
God, I feel like I’m rambling right now and that I´m just confusing you.
“But if he broke your heart why are you talking to him?” you must be thinking. Well it´s easy, it´s because I know him and I love him. Not in a romantic way but the kind of love you feel towards your brother or sister, to your best friend. Cause after having so much time to think I understood that I was not in love, I just loved him and I let all the voices around me tell me what I was feeling, but none was true. What I did wasn´t right and neither what he did, we’re still having issues to understand that when we talk but it´s ok, it´ll take time, but at the end of the day we’re friends.
So…that´s some what´s been on my mind lately.